I’d been learning about magic, and it’s because there’s something I wanted. All I had to do is let myself want it, and then let myself have it. That’s how magic works according to digital mystic. And when one begins to want something and begins to ask for it, trials come up in one’s life, because there is a skill or a conflict which requires maneuverability in order to successfully have the thing you want, according to jackie “the self enquirer”. Repetition, regurgitation, I am learning.
And in order to allow myself to have what I wanted, I necessarily needed to allow myself to be who I am, paraphrasing sotce. So, I allowed myself to fall off. I fall off of most things at some point, and the right things I come back to. I am a being of desire and I am not always pure of intention. However from my own collected data on life, it doesn’t actually matter if you do something with a pure intention, you will still get the result if you are doing the thing. I might pray a lot because I want something, and I may try to use the spiritual practice to get what I want, rather than purely to do the practice. And it doesn’t matter. If I’m praying every day I will get the results of praying every day, which in my experience is a fortified sense of connection and collaboration with life.
I wrote this draft two months ago, and I’ve now gotten what I wanted. I’m in it right now, as we speak. I painted a bedframe two years ago, and I’ve let it go. I’m disloyal to the version of me that wanted me to stay the same. Who wanted me to follow the path they deemed most safe and most desirable. I’m sorry to hurt her that way and carry them with me regardless.
The most beneficial aspect I’ve found of coming into and out from a depression is that I have absolutely no energy to be whatever it is others want me to be. This includes my own past versions; and while in a sense it is self betrayal, it is in another sense a deepest devotion. To allow myself to be something new in every moment— I’m not sure if I’ve said that here before? Ironic.
The Hendricks couple says growth needn’t be painful. the fact that growth doesn’t have to be painful does not mean that I’m not angry about the circumstances that foster it, or that I don’t resist it, or that I don’t get confused and disoriented and doubtful. These are part of human experience especially in the 20s it seems and in that way I love them too and that’s why it doesn’t have to be painful. Thank you, unknown god, for the experience of anger, of frustration, of confusion, of doubt! thank you gracepilled for modeling this strategy, by letting me hear you thank god for the experience of embarrassment.
For emphasis: It doesn’t matter if I practice gratitude because I’m trying to be good or because I’m trying to suffer less or because I think it will help me get what I want. if I genuinely engage with the gratitude then it exists. It exists alongside all the qualities it inherently has, namely serenity.
So I finally feel unstuck. The transit being done? Getting off of hormonal birth control? The season changing? The weather changing? Who knows. I am grateful, and I am growing. I am wanting and it doesn’t have to be painful, it doesn’t have to be painful. I want and I want and I want and I want and I want and I can have, I just allow myself to have, I just allow myself to be what I am wanting…
i got what I wanted and so far it is better better better better despite my fears
Self trust grows.
I decided I didn’t know who my god/gods was/were, and that I wanted to be shown who they are, by finding a talisman on the ground or being told by a stranger. But I don’t think they will show themself/ves that way because:
I might freak out if who they are doesn’t feel aligned to my view of myself (which is probably too small)
it’s more beneficial for me to allow myself the creative capacity to make it up. It makes me larger if I create the idea and the system, and I follow it, and trust it and believe in it.
It’s a worthwhile experiment to believe fully in my own thoughts and actions. I use the affirmation “I always make the right decisions”. It’s also a practice in aggressive non dualism(gracepilled), believing that no source of information is any more spiritual than another. Everything is god.
I do feel afraid. But also, I am already the person who tells people they get to decide what they believe. I want to watch the sunset every day out of big windows, and see the greens change in the changing light, and feel my eyes make the shift that mirrors my internal.
here’s a guided meditation/visualization I wrote for a choir I sing in. The idea is that you can be anything…
Id like to invite you to close your eyes and take a deep breath. Take a couple deep breaths. Feel the air fill the bottom of your lungs… feel it gently swirl as it comes out. Notice how it’s a bit cooler on the way in, a bit warmer out.
Now imagine your breath as the ocean breeze. It sweeps over the enormous expanse of water, glistening in sunlight. The breeze blows little bits of salty water into the air. Feel how it’s a humid, exfoliating type of air. Let the breeze inhabit your body; in fact, allow yourself to become the air. Feel the pressure of the giant body of water beneath you… imagine that pressure pushing up against your body. Imagine that it’s lifting you up, and that you’re experiencing a magnificent buoyancy, the miracle of flight! You glide over the subtle current that you can feel with specificity. The weight of you balances against the weight of this salty, humid air as you soar, a graceful and eager collaboration. Imagine your flight path— all that you see in front of you, below you, above you.
And now, allow your body to feel lighter… and now even lighter than that. Feel as if you have hardly any mass, barely any weight at all. You are no longer flying, but being flown— fully surrendered to the winds. You flutter, butterfly, still eager to use your almost weightless yet beautiful body, yet aware that wherever the breeze blows, you will follow. You feel how incredibly miraculous it is that you are carried wherever it is that you want to go… whether a flower, a tree branch, the warm sand. You softly land upon it, gently set down by the air. When you flap yourself into the sky again you feel completely embraced by the gracious atmosphere.
And now, from the ocean air, you feel again the heaviness of these water droplets suspended around you. You can see their granularity— the bits of salt within. You yourself begin to feel heavy, yet fluid. You feel the minerals within you, and all the life for which you are the medium. You are incomprehensibly enormous, your wave of a breath spanning nearly the whole planet, reflecting the heat of the sun back into the sky, creating blueness… your exhale crashes on every shore. Feel your expansiveness. You’re all encompassing nature.
Now call to mind and hold all of these images and body sensations together. The ocean breeze— the weight of wings pressing against air currents— the surrender of weightlessness to wind— the enormity of the ocean itself. Take a long, slow breath, and recognize your capacity to be all of these things; your capacity to be anything. The wonder that comes with that truth.
Now, slowly come back to your body, and when you feel ready, open your eyes… the big windows themselves